Sketch: Keir Starmer secures B-JaB from the European Union

“Britain is back on the world stage,” Keir Starmer insists, as his government announces a new dawn for the United Kingdom/European Union relationship. There is almost – almost – a smile playing on the prime minister’s lips. Or at least there would be if he’d been programmed that way.

But seriously, the PM is pleased as punch about his officials doin’ deals and hustlin’ behind the scenes ahead of the highly anticipated EU-UK Summit. So now they actually have something to talk about at the summit.

The deal will provide “unprecedented access to the EU market” for the UK, Starmer says. Unprecedented here being used not to mean without precedent, but simply to pretend the 47 years during which the UK did have access to the EU market never happened.

“This deal is good for both sides,” the PM adds. Ah, both sides, there is nothing this robo-man loves more than ensuring everyone is equally annoyed. Simply adores using fences as seats. “We’ll be able to sell Great British burgers, shellfish and other products into the EU,” he adds, as gleefully as his hard drive allows.

And for those people who are worried that this deal is that horrid ‘bad deal’ that was worse than a ‘no deal’ that everyone was worried about a few years back, Starmer has some good news: it’s a “long list”. The length of the list “shows just how much we’ve achieved”, he adds. Size does matter, says the prime minister.

B-JaBs. That’s what this deal is all about, he adds. That’s “bills, jobs and borders” to you. And B-JaBs are “common sense” and “in the national interest”, Starmer declares. So let’s get on with it.

The prime minister is flanked by two European bureaucrats who offer smiles of encouragement to everything he says. “Dear Keir” – that’s what Ursula von der Leyen repeatedly calls him. Because they are “very close friends”. Best pals. Chums. And this new deal is a “new beginning for old friends”. Honestly, they are friends. Allies. The closest of the close.

It’s all the encouragement Starmer needs. “Let me be absolutely clear,” he says, standing a little straighter now he’s been able to return to his catchphrase. This deal is about “delivery”. And the breadth and comprehensiveness” of the agreement shows that both the EU and the UK are “focusing on deliverables”. And that means delivering for.

“This is very good for our country,” he continues. And anyone who says others are just people that started complaining about it before it was even agreed, so they were never going to be happy. They hate delivery, those people. Meanwhile the supermarkets – who do lots of delivering – love it, he adds.

“We’ve rolled up our sleeves,” he says. “We’ve been serious and pragmatic.” But that doesn’t mean the UK has given anything up. Because it’s all about delivering those B-JaBs. And what is a B-JaB among friends?