Sketch: Bob Doris celebrates rail U-turn

The SNP has decided improvements to rail will put it on the fast track to re-election. That’s why it brought forward two debates in five days on trains. That’s faster than the Tories lost MSPs over the summer.

Loyalist foot soldier Bob Doris was first out to welcome the end of peak fares in a members’ business debate. You know, the policy that was in place until the Scottish Government scrapped it, only to reintroduce it months later – when an election was less than a year away. Every SNP MSP took to social media to celebrate the U-turn.

But it’s Doris who gets the gold medal in currying favour, opening the debate by giving a thrilling narrative of his commute. “My local train station is Summerston. It sits on the Maryhill line,” he says. Oh, the unbearable tension. How will this story end? “I used the train service to get to Edinburgh this week, changing at Queen Street Station.” The drama! “Many of my constituents will have made a similar journey this week. Maryhill, Kelvindale, Gilshochill and other stations on the line all service commuters.” What a glowing report.

Not to be outdone, Fulton Macgregor boasts about the “nine very active train stations” in his constituency. This is an “absolutely fabulous policy”, a “great policy”, he says, going a bit Donald Trump to ingratiate himself with ministers.

Christine Grahame also thinks this is a “brilliant” policy. “I just love trains,” she adds, going on the blame the Union (what else?) for the Borders not having a railway until 10 years ago. On a similar note, Paul McLennan says he created an “enduring memory” on the day East Linton station was reopened by riding the train. These people need to get out more.

Praise for the policy goes beyond the SNP. Tory Sue Webber begrudgingly accepts she is “glad” about it, though can’t help herself by blaming all other problems with the trains on Nicola Sturgeon.

Mark Ruskell gently reminds colleagues that it was his party who secured the initial pilot to end peak fares. “I will always remember the queue of people at Queen Street Station – I was in that queue – on the day that peak fares were brought back in by this government. It was chaos, people confused and angry,” he recalls. But at least that’s over now, so people can avoid “spirit-crushing” commutes by car. The Greens are anti-spirit-crushing, after all.

Claire Baker attempts to take some credit for her party. Pointing to cost being a factor in the decision last year, “maybe it’s the UK Government we have to thank for the first minister’s change of track,” she adds. Nice try.

Connectivity minister Jim Fairlie thanks Doris for bringing the debate forward, because he’s “done something that we in government are sometimes not good at doing – and that is celebrating the success”. Hmm. Is that because the government is modest or because of… a lack of success to celebrate?

Anyway, he accuses the Tories of being “miserabilist”, says something about having the “right to choose” to Baker, and then accepts the Greens could take some credit but “it was actually the cabinet secretary who brought [it] back”. And who can argue against the fact that it was indeed the transport secretary, who has the power over Scotland’s transport, that made the transport-related decision? Not me.

But the SNP is not done boasting about rail, and so said transport secretary, Fiona Hyslop, comes back to the chamber the following week to talk about what a great job she’s doing. The reopening of old lines, the building of new stations, and of course the removal of peak fares are all things done by this government, she says.

Jamie Greene welcomes the government “promoting its own U-turns”. He recalls Hyslop defending the reinstatement of peak fares as recently as April. Well, a lot can happen in the space of a few months, eh, Liberal Democrat Greene?

Stuart McMillan would like to enter the competition for the number of train stations in his constituency. He has 13… “14 if I count the IBM Halt which is currently mothballed”. Because sure, why wouldn’t you also include a station that hasn’t been operating since 2018? Is this an example of the SNP celebrating its successes, as Fairlie mentioned?

Graham Simpson, newly of Reform’s parish, is the last speaker. And surprisingly he too offers some praise to the government. But one thing has really got his goat. “The cabinet secretary has disappointed me. She has. She persists in using kilometres, as she has done in this motion, when we use miles in this country.” He’s clearly spent a bit too much time in Nigel Farage’s company.