Sketch: Blame John Sweeney!

Scottish Labour is revolting. Or, maybe it isn’t. There’s certainly some dissatisfaction in Keir Starmer’s premiership from the party’s most northerly branch office. The man led the party to a stonking victory just 18 months ago, and yet now he seems to be leading them off a cliff. And so, some MSPs and MPs have started to question whether, if the prime minister jumped off a cliff, would they follow suit? Some seem quite happy not just to jump but to summersault off the crag.

Whether it was news of a possible coup or a pre-scheduled show of unity, the prime minister found himself up in Scotland to meet the leader of the mibbes-aye-mibbes-naw revolting pack. The pair were visiting a community centre at Redcastle Square – how’s that for appropriate branding? – in the Garthamlock area of Glasgow to try and sell the Budget to the public.

And perhaps more importantly, Starmer was also there to try sell Sarwar. “What I’m concerned to do is to listen to Anas Sarwar,” he says, because clearly the Scottish leader is a close adviser. “We get on, we talk to each other a lot, we say that what matters most is that we deal with poverty, deal with the cost of living, and do not go back to austerity.” What a thrilling insight into the backroom discussions these two have. A truly close relationship.

He goes on to tell reporters Sarwar’s “fingerprints are on the Budget”. He hastens to clarify he’s talking specifically about lifting the two-child cap, not some of the more unpopular measures like failing to support the North Sea sector or hiking taxes. The welfare policy change will “make a material difference,” the PM insists. “This isn’t about who’s up or down this week in the polls; this is about the lives of children.”

Well, it’s a good job he doesn’t think the polls are all that important. And Sarwar is clearly trying to convince himself of the same. He is desperately clinging to the idea that things will turn around once voters in Scotland start paying attention to him, rather than Starmer. Most normal people aren’t paying any attention to next year’s election yet, he reminds his reflection in the mirror every evening before bed, but once they do, he’ll be a shoo-in for Bute House. Surely.

His public mantra is to explain what the election is all about. “The election in May is about who the first minister is, not who the prime minister is,” Sarwar helpfully informs the press when they ask Starmer whether he would consider his position if Scottish Labour does as bad next year as polls suggest. “And the person who is gunna lose their job in May is John Swinney,” he adds, confidently. Some might say too confidently.

The prime minister moves on to talk up the number of jobs his government is creating in sectors like defence and nuclear power, “the biggest investment in a generation”. And yet, despite the benefits, “John Sweeney says, ‘no thank you very much’.”

Hang on, John Sweeney? Who’s that? And why would he say ‘no’ to jobs?

Starmer continues: “Now, rather than arguing about misleading and political to and fro, I’m interested in how we get jobs in Scotland. The question I would put back to John Sweeney is, why is he against jobs in defence and nuclear?”

Is he… talking about John Swinney? The first minister of Scotland, John Swinney? Once you could be forgiven for just misspeaking, but twice… does he genuinely think that’s who the first minister is? Or perhaps it’s a subtle dig, an attempt to undermine his SNP rival by pretending not to bother to remember him.

Starmer goes on to invite John Sweeney to “reflect” on his stance on defence and nuclear jobs, “change his mind, and work with me to ensure we can bring even more of those jobs to Scotland.” Maybe this is why relations between the two government’s aren’t all rosy. Correspondence from the PM to the FM has simply been misplaced.

Somewhere in Edinburgh, a man called John Sweeney is receiving all those letters and is absolutely delighted that the prime minister is keen to hear his views on topics of the day. Well, until he hears what Starmer actually has to say about him. “John Sweeney always points the finger at somebody else,” he says, accusingly.

One of the hacks plucks up the courage to gently correct the prime minister. But Starmer is undeterred, clearly oblivious to his mistake. “He never takes responsibility for his own record… What he needs to do is explain what his record is.  I don’t hear him going out there saying ‘vote SNP because we’ve done all these things’, because he can’t say that. He hasn’t got a record to stand on.”

Poor John Sweeney, he’s just minding his own business and now he’s apparently responsible for running a country.