Parliamentary sketch: Neigh looking back

The journey towards the creation of Food Standards Scotland (FSS) started on horseback. 

Well, it started on some part of the horse’s body anyway, since we never really found out which bit we had been eating.

But if the story was a gruesome one, at least it brought about the creation of the new body, charged with regulating the food and drink industry.  

And, with a turnover of £13.9bn, the sector is central to Scotland’s economy.

But it does seem to have a strange effect on our elected representatives – as demonstrated by a recent debate, led by Richard Locchead, on the national food and drink strategy.

Alex Fergusson kicked things off by choosing to speak entirely in code.

He said: “As debates of this nature go on and draw to a close, there is usually a degree of repetition. I am sorry to say that a certain amount of repetition is going to take place. I make no apology for that because, whatever our political or constitutional differences, no one can take away from the undoubted success of the Scottish Government’s food and drink policy.”

But Stewart Stevenson, for some reason that was not particularly obvious, seemed to take grave offence to this, replying: “Is the member not aware that political debates are not over when everything has been said? They are over only when everyone has said it.”

The man can be like Confucius at times.

But Alex Fergusson was in no mood for that sort of guff – not when food was involved.

He replied: “If Mr Stevenson is accusing me of accusing him of being repetitious, I will reserve judgment on that until later in the debate.”

Accusations of accusations? It is fair to say by this point there were only two people in the chamber with even the faintest idea what they were talking about.

Fortunately the exchange could not escalate any further, with Mike MacKenzie on his feet.

"To be fair, as dates go, being chauffeured in an airplane with Stewart Stevenson sounds pretty fun."

Cleverly masking his intentions behind the cheap façade of the food debate, he said: “Presiding Officer, please allow me take you on a brief culinary tour of the Highlands and Islands: a two-day whistle-stop food fest.”

It appears MacKenzie’s attempts to ask the Deputy Presiding Officer, Elaine Smith, out on a date are becoming increasingly desperate. 

He continued: “Arriving in Argyll via the gateway of Inveraray, we could breakfast at Loch Fyne Oysters and sample the amazing array of high-quality seafood and the other foods available.”

Smooth.

“It might be best then to fortify ourselves with a dram in Campbeltown where the Springbank distillery is the oldest family-owned distillery in Scotland.” 

“We should also visit its sister distillery, the Glengyle distillery. Heading north, we could fortify ourselves further with some Islay malts, and then on to Oban and lunch at the Eusk restaurant."

But Fergusson, still smarting from his confrontation with Stevenson, leapt in to question, ‘the wisdom of visiting two distilleries and then continuing to travel north.’

Fergusson was trying to make him look a fool! Not in front of Elaine, Fergusson. Not today.

Reacting quickly, MacKenzie put Fergusson back in his place, stating, somewhat sniffily, “I was assuming that neither of us was driving.”

But how would you navigate the highlands without driving? MacKenzie had it all planned out.

“Presiding Officer, I suggest that, being busy people, we recruit the services of our friend and colleague Stewart Stevenson and ask him to fly us to Stornoway to sample some of the world-famous black pudding, which has now been granted protected status by the EU.”

To be fair, as first dates go, being chauffeured in an airplane with Stewart Stevenson sounds pretty fun.

And Stevenson, obviously, was not going to let this sneak past. 

He said: “I advise Parliament that I am ready to fly colleagues all over Scotland in pursuit of good food and drink – it is never a hardship to do that. I will tell colleagues – as Napoleon asked for lucky generals – that they would be flying with a lucky pilot. 

“I have come off a plane in an emergency on three occasions so far, and on 4 November 1975, I experienced parachute failure. I can experience all those things, but my colleagues will be perfectly safe with me.”

So despite being kicked by horse and enduring a Stevenson plane crash, the story of Scotland’s food and drink sector continues in fine spirits. 

Still, those in charge of FSS may well be hoping for an easier ride from elected politicians in future.