Sketch: What does a 1872 tall ship race have in common with the Hamilton by-election?

Next year’s Scottish Parliament election is, in many ways, similar to the 1872 Tall Ship Tea Race. Two Scottish titans competing against one another to claim a coveted title.

One, the Thermopylae, had set record after record in previous races – a winning machine, you might say.

The other, the Cutty Sark, looked set for victory by building up a good lead only to lose its steering, squandering its chances.

Perhaps this is why SNP MSP Kevin Stewart chose to bring forward a members business debate on the 2025 Tall Ship Race mere weeks ahead of the Hamilton by-election, the next big political test in Scotland. It would, Stewart’s motion claims, bring “a lot of joy and excitement”. Was he talking about the ship race or the electoral one?

Unfortunately, Stewart is unwell the day of the debate so fellow Aberdeen MSP Jackie Dunbar takes over. She delivers his opening speech instead – quite literally, it turns out, as she confesses she will struggle to read the speech from the paper in front of her as it’s a “bit of a tongue twister”.

It is not that the Thermopylae had done anything different to improve... it simply won because the other team was damaged by strong headwinds

Labour’s Michael Marra is at least pleased by this turn of events, saying the chamber has been “saved” from “Kevin Stewart’s theatrical élan”. “I am not sure that my nerves would have coped,” he admits, were it not for Dunbar’s less-than-élan delivery. Ouch.

Anyway, Dunbar introduces Stewart’s introduction by providing a brief history of the Aberdeen clippers – “the fastest sailing ships ever built”. And then she regales the chamber with the story of the 1872 race.

“The Cutty Sark steadily built up a lead of 400 miles,” she says, but then the ship “cut a little too close to the wind, and she broke her rudder in a storm”. Much like a political party winning an election and then having its honeymoon cut short by a series of terrible decisions.

“Determined not to be defeated, the crew of the Cutty Sark cobbled together a new rudder from scrap iron and set off in pursuit of the Thermopylae,” Dunbar continues. “However, despite the efforts of the Cutty Sark’s crew, they could not pass the Thermopylae, which arrived back in London first and retained her crown as the fastest ship in the world.”

It is not that the Thermopylae had done anything different to improve her performance – perhaps a crew change or two – but it simply won because the other team was damaged by strong headwinds from elsewhere. Why does this also sound so familiar?

Kerr is very, very excited about the Tall Ships Race – or at least pretends to be

Dunbar concludes by saying tall ships “preserve the skills and artistry of a bygone era” – just like a party that gave an old leader a second chance. These vessels prove “the irreplaceable value of hands-on experience and shared endeavour”, she says. Indeed.

The next speaker in the debate is an MSP whose ship is struggling to leave port, such is the constant fighting among the crew. Which might explain why Liam Kerr spends much of his speech honing his salesman skills – it might be his new job, after next May.

Kerr is very, very excited about the Tall Ships Race – or at least pretends to be. “We know that Aberdeen is a great place to live, work and visit,” he tells the chamber. But it’s “fair to say that people do not realise quite how good Aberdeen is,” he adds. And so, he is ready to become a one-man tourism board.

For this race will bring the Red Arrows! Quayside concerts! A march! Charity and business stalls! He delivers each announcement with characteristic aplomb.

Aberdeen is “not merely a great energy city”, he says, channelling that M&S Food advert. It is a “tourism hub”! How exciting! “What a legacy this event could leave!” he declares.

Not to be outdone in her own backyard, SNP MSP Audrey Nicoll also begins listing all the great things her city has to offer. Doric culture! Artwork! Vibrant street performers! The list is starting to feel a little thin. Informative events! Souvenir models of ships! Really scraping the barrel now. Deacon Blue! Tide Lines! Has she switched to listing reasons to stay away?

Dundee-man Marra grits his teeth to praise the Granite City. He claims the Tall Ship Race could be as good as the Commonwealth Games. As good as the Tour de France. Laying it on a bit thick, no?

But business minister Richard Lochhead agrees. This global ship race is the “biggest event Aberdeen will have had for a generation”, he says. And it’s part of a “pipeline of major events” taking place in Scotland, thanks to the country’s “key event and tourism assets”. The minister needs to take a leaf out of Kerr’s or Stewart’s book and learn to deliver a speech with a bit of élan, or has that ship sailed…?