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by Louise Wilson
01 January 2024
Sketch: New Year Resolutions from an unknown Edinburgh resident

The note by an unknown author was found in Charlotte Square | Alamy

Sketch: New Year Resolutions from an unknown Edinburgh resident

The following note was found in Charlotte Square in Edinburgh, origin unknown.

It is being published here in full in the hopes of reuniting it with its owner.


NY Resolutions

1. Restore fortunes of party and avoid further infighting

  • Don’t give into Greens on everything – no matter how many solidarity fists they offer
  • Hire handlers for Fergus

2. Win the general election in Scotland. Note to self: even if SNP loses 20 seats, claim it as a victory anyway.

Soundbite options:

  • “The Scottish lion has roared”
  • “The pine martin has yowled”
  • “The capercaillie has cawed”
  • “The unicorn has… neighed?”

3. Call for an independence referendum

4. Continue to ignore calls for a referendum on a referendum (from the only leadership contender who is more of a dafty than me)

5. Under absolutely no circumstance buy a campervan. Or Jaguar. (N.B. remember to renew car insurance!)

6. Probably also best to avoid any holidays to Morocco

7. And any holidays when Celtic is playing

8. Stop repeating what journalists say back to them. Burner phones, no matter circumstances or definition, are ALWAYS bad

9. Distance self from record of last health secretary – that guy did a terrible job. (New one seems a big fan of digital tech, could help with waiting lists???)

10. Don’t get arrested


 

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