Sketch: Neil Bibby foreshadows a win

Thursday 5 June 2025. Race day. Politicians assemble at the start line. Waiting for the firing gun. Hungry for the win.

No, not a metaphor for the Hamilton, Larkhall and Stonehouse by-election. An actual sprint race organised at the Scottish Parliament to highlight Cerebra’s Relay Your Way event championing inclusive sport.

Bill Kidd – a one-time Nobel Peace Prize nominee – has persuaded politicians to put down their arms for a half hour to take part in the event. But old habits die hard, and so when John Swinney, Russell Findlay, Lorna Slater and Alex Cole-Hamilton gather at the start line, their competitive streaks creep back in.

At least for some of them. Swinney and Cole-Hamilton have put on their short shorts, flashing more leg than anyone wants to see. Findlay, too cool for school and ever the rebel, is in jeans. The denim screams ‘I’m not really invested in this’; the look on his face tells another story. Slater is relaxed in loose-fitting black trousers. She’s just here for the bantz.

Looks can be deceiving – those are go-faster stripes on the side. Dismiss Labour at your peril

But where is Anas Sarwar? The Scottish Labour leader is nowhere to be seen – probably on the advice of his press team. A photo of him losing to Swinney could have been the stuff of newspaper editors’ dreams. But Sarwar should have had more faith in himself, both as a runner and a party leader, as it turns out.

Never fear, for Neil Bibby is here. He strolls onto the racetrack to represent the red team, seeming quite casual, quite relaxed, in long Adidas shorts. But looks can be deceiving – those are go-faster stripes on the side. Dismiss Labour at your peril.

First, a warmup. The party leaders, and Bibby, start with a gentle jog alongside some of the disabled children the charity supports. Bibby and Slater lead, followed by Cole-Hamilton, then Findlay and lastly Swinney.

“I beat John Swinney. That’s all the matters,” says Findlay at the finish line, putting a positive spin on his otherwise dire effort. It’s a skill that he’s had to perfect in recent months. “At least it’s not the by-election result,” he adds. He’ll come to regret that comment a few hours later, when his party does indeed come fourth by quite some margin. But it’s not like he cares, honest.

Cole-Hamilton almost takes out a photographer as he struggles to come to a stop, such is his commitment to speed. He does not apologise, simply declaring the race a “high-risk” event. After learning that journalists have been placing bets, he asks hopefully: “Is anyone betting on me?” Silence. One person tentatively raises their hand, probably because they feel sorry for the Lib Dem leader. It doesn’t matter; Cole-Hamilton is delighted. “I won’t let you down,” he says excitedly, bounding off having secured one (1) vote. Lib Dems winning here, he thinks, plotting his next bar chart.

It’s like history repeating itself, with Slater once again causing the SNP to deviate from the centre

But the time for the real race is upon them. Once more the politicians gather at the start. Game faces on. Bang! The starting gun is fired.

And their off. Bibby takes an early lead. Slater in second but seeing an upcoming obstacle (one of the children has wandered onto the track), she swerves to the right – much to the chagrin of some hard-left Green activists. The move blocks the path of Swinney. It’s like history repeating itself, with Slater once again causing the SNP to deviate from the centre. At least this time it won’t cost a man his job. But the manoeuvre does cost her second place, with Cole-Hamilton taking the opportunity to surge ahead. Bibby still in front. Cole-Hamilton trying his best to close the gap but it’s too late, it’s already over, Bibby crashes over the finish line, giving Labour its first unexpected victory of the day.

Cole-Hamilton comes in second, closely followed by Slater who has recovered from her earlier stumble. Swinney is in fourth. And Findlay lazily dad-jogs across the line in last, pretending not to care but deep down it must be a blow. An early taste of things to come.

“I couldn’t be elbowing people out the way!” Findlay says of his poor performance in the post-race analysis. “Looking at you, Alex Cole-Hamilton.”

The Lib Dem refuses to be drawn on accusations of foul play, instead spreading his own rumours. “I didn’t quite win this time, I came second. But I think that when he’s checked for doping, Neil Bibby will be disqualified, and I will be the rightful winner.” A bold tactic.

Bibby is unavailable for comment. Perhaps performance-enhancing drugs are part of Scottish Labour’s new strategy. It certainly seems to be working.