Sketch: Douglas Alexander and Dave Doogan take part in a pomp-off

The stage is set, the corn is popped, and the crowd is eager with anticipation. For on this day, it is the great word battle to end all word battles. The big pomp-off between two of Scotland’s self-proclaimed leading politicians. Who will win the title of Smuggest of Them All?

Douglas Alexander and Dave Doogan take their seats at opposite sides of the ring, err, table for the Scottish Affairs Committee meeting. They look deep into one another’s eyes. Only one man will walk away the winner, and it’s gunna be me, they both think.

Doogan attempts the first strike, attacking Labour for not creating 1,000 jobs at GB Energy. A powerful opener.

Alexander does not shy away from the punch and meets it with faux kindness. “I would respectfully and politely observe that we promised to set up a publicly owned energy company… and our government has done it, unlike some other governments.” Nah nah ne-nah nah. He might have well stuck his tongue out. 

Doogan’s next line of attack is whether Alexander would agree with John Swinney, which is an interesting new tactic. But when Alexander tries to reply, Doogan lays it on a bit thicker. “I won’t have my time talked out. This is just rhetoric!” Apparently, he really does think he’s in some sort of word war, rather than a committee evidence session.

Circling his opponent, he accuses Alexander of saying Scotland won’t get another independence referendum “if you don’t want it to happen”.

Alexander tries to deflect by playing the role of hurt victim. That line of questioning, he says, is “offensive” and “othering”. And besides, the SNP is only talking up a mandate for a referendum because there’s an election coming, he fires back.

Doogan takes umbrage at that. “I’m not much interested in what your party, or even my party, want,” he insists. “I’m interested in fulfilling the constitutional ambition of the Scottish people.” What a noble man. It’s just pure coincidence that what his party wants is what he claims the country wants – honest!

Doogan’s interest is piqued when, eagle-eyed, he spots Alexander reading from a paper in front of him. Reading!

Other members try to break up the fight and start asking questions about fisheries. But Doogan has thoughts on this too, arguing Scotland should have received more money, which opens the door to an attack on his arithmetic skills. “There’s a risk that you’re adding two and two together and getting about 27, not four,” Alexander quips. Brutal from a former governor of the World Bank.

Doogan won’t go down without more of a fight, though. When the discussion turns to colleges, he takes a leaf out of his opponent’s book and attempts to kill with kindness. “I would hate for you to inadvertently, through leading questions, Secretary of State, create an impression where everything is rosy in the garden in England and a complete basket case in Scotland,” he wheedles. Yes, he would simply hate for anyone watching getting the wrong impression about the Scottish secretary’s motives. “That’s not to duck the challenges that we have,” he continues, trying to duck the challenges the SNP government has, but “it’s not all doom and gloom.”

Alexander pivots back to his comfort zone of insincere politeness. “For the 831 people not getting jobs in Ayrshire College, respectfully, it’s pretty doom and gloom right now. And if your attitude is that’s the best we can do in Scotland right now and we should be somehow applauding the conduct of the Scottish Government, respectfully, I take a very different view.” All very respectful.

Other MPs come back in to ask further questions, but Doogan’s interest is piqued when, eagle-eyed, he spots Alexander reading from a paper in front of him. Reading! Doogan sees red. “Did you have advance sight of the questions before this session, Secretary of State?”

A little confused by the new approach, Alexander replies: “I’m in a position where I answer what you put to me.”

Doogan tries again: “Did you have an understanding of what the line of questioning would be in advance?”

Alexander said he had a “fair sense” of what might come up, since he knew what the committee had spent time focusing on. He also, he muses, had a “fair idea” that questions about independence might get asked “because that tends to be what the SNP talk about a lot”.

Aha! So he admits it! He had some kind of competitive advantage of his opponent… in that he actually prepared for this session.

Alexander presses his advantage. “As you will appreciate, for any select committee – and I’ve done a number of them over many years – I ask the department to provide me with detailed briefing across a whole range of issues. And it wouldn’t come as a great surprise of my awareness of the committee’s reports was quite high up my list in terms of what I was going to make sure that I’d read.” He sits back in his seat smugly, happy to have owned his opponent.

So who, in the end, won in this great battle? Not the Scottish people.