Naked politics

Ask yourself this: what would have happened if Alex Salmond had tottered up to the podium at party conference in tartan high heels?

There’d have been a furore. It’d have made the news from Moscow to Madagascar. When Eck’s successor as SNP leader and manager of Scotia Minor tottered thus up to the p., it did not go unremarked but, online at least, there were as many remarks about the remarking.

Feminists complained that it was right sexist to focus on what Nicola Sturgeon was wearing. Though I’m not sure that ‘focus’ was the right word, they had a point – if not a very good one.

Mentioning that she was wearing a red jacket probably was invidious, though even here it was hardly the focus. The headline didn’t read: ‘Sturgeon wears red jacket’. True, you don’t read about male politicians wearing grey suits. But I suppose the journos were just trying to colour their copy. I sympathise. I used to be employed specifically as a colour writer, which meant I could go out on news stories like the other guys but got to use adjectives.

So, although colour writing isn’t just noticing colours but providing detailed description, I’d probably have mentioned the red jaiket too. Women get to wear a lot of different clothes and, to some extent, it says something about their personality.

Male politicians generally wear the same sort of clothes all the time. Nothing to report – unless they depart from the norm. A few years ago, men not wearing a tie in Parliament occasioned comment. I used to write about a male Green MSP wearing turnip-based shoes, though, come to think of it, I’m pretty sure I just made that up.

Readers and top political analysts will recall the aforementioned First Eck’s big fashion fail with the tartan trews, a controversial choice of habiliment that caused outbreaks of rioting in several rural areas. Worse still was former First Minister Jack McConnell’s postmodern kilt, which was never really that bad and which I think he wore with a dash of humour. But he was panned for it and his career never recovered. So, men’s clothing gets noticed and written about too, from time to time.

And you must admit Nicola’s tartan high heels were something else. Even gals in the press asked how she could walk on shoes so remarkably precipitous. I’d have been on my arse in seconds. Imagine the headline then: ‘Man in high heels falls on arse’. I’d never have lived it down.

But women get away with a lot appearance-wise without much comment. Johann Lamont, the former Labour leader in Scotland, had her hair done a couple of times without it becoming headline news. However, imagine the furore if yon Salmond had dyed his hair blonde. We’d never have heard the end of it. Even if he was making some important announcement about the currency (“We’ve decided to have one”), all the wicked media would ask is, “What the hell has he done to his heid?” Indeed, such a move would have heralded his departure from office long before the referendum result.

So appearances count, I suppose. If Nicola sticks to the navy blue twinset, suit type of thing (bung me a lifebelt; getting out of my depth here), doubtless nothing will be said. It’s only the unusual that occasions comment. If she turns up to Washington or somewhere representing Scotland in black welly boots, she cannot expect it to go unremarked.

Mind you, she’s only the First Minister of Scotia Minor so her opportunities to represent her country anywhere furth of Leith are fairly remote. All the same, even if merely hurtling around Holyrood, the wardrobe should be conservative with a small ‘c’.

I am unadventurous myself in clothing. I haven’t worn a suit for years, though I must admit it was pretty handy for the office as you never had to think about such matters. Today, I often wear checked shirts, and as exclusively revealed in my peculiar (just who is that exactly?) picture byline, I have a beard, which apparently makes me a lumbersexual, the latest ascription for trendy males.

Unhand me, madam. I never had carnal relations with that lumber, though I could make a joke about wood. But I’m not going to.

Would that we had more females in charge of countries. I believe that they are the better gender by far and, while I would not like to be reborn as one, I think the world is a safer place in their hands. You are shouting: “Thatcher! Thatcher!”

That is a fair point, well made. But Lady Thatcher was a product of her time and, in that time, we all suffered from females in authority acting more macho than the men. I think we’re over that now and, with luck, can look forward to more Jane and less Tarzan in our political discourse

As for the costumery, interest will fade except where something outré is on display. At least I hope so. Otherwise, we men stand accused of being shallow. And, yup, I think that’s me out of my depth again.