Sketch: On a wind and a prayer

The UK Government appears to have been taken over by some sort of cult. Instead of having concrete plans to tackle the major issues facing humanity just now – namely Covid and climate change – our most senior politicians seem happy to rely on prayers and sacrifice.

Speaking at the Global Investment Summit in London, Boris Johnson reflected on the lack of wind buffeting the UK in recent months which has resulted in an increase in gas demand. He hoped that the situation could be resolved by pleasing the gods.

“We must propitiate Aeolus, the god of wind,” the Prime Minister insisted. “Sacrifice a goat or something, lots of goats, in a humane way, obviously.”

At least it’s a plan, I suppose. There’s more detail in that one sentence than the entire 368-page net zero strategy published by his government, to much fanfare, a couple of weeks ago.

It’s not really clear who would do the actual slaughtering of the goats, given the UK is short of that particular skillset at the moment. Perhaps we can persuade the British public to eat goat instead of turkey for Christmas – two birds, uh, mammals, with one stone.

Meanwhile the health secretary is on the hunt for spare dismembered limbs as part of his plan to prevent rising Covid deaths. “We’ve got the jabs, we just need the arms to put them in,” Sajid Javid told members of the press.

This plan is better than Plan B, he insisted, adamant that arms pumped full of booster vaccines will prevent Covid. Maybe the plan is to confuse the virus. Why would the humans put medicine in disembodied arms, it will think, and choose to infect those instead. Then all we have to do is get rid of the Covid-ridden limbs.

Cthulhu, coronavirus or climate chaos – no wonder Boris is praying to the wind

It might sound nonsensical, but it makes more sense than the decision not to move to Plan B.

“We are concerned. Everyone is right to be concerned and I hope that I’ve managed to, just in the last ten minutes or so, express the concern that we have,” Javid said, while seeming deeply unconcerned about the prospect that the UK could see 100,000 infections per day very shortly.

“Just as we expected,” he added reassuringly.

The only other reason I can think why more than 100 deaths per day from coronavirus is acceptable is because an unknown horror is demanding the blood of a hundred humans or else it will unleash worse upon us. The conspiracy theorists are right – there is no Covid, it’s a cover-up, a plandemic after all! The worldwide global health problem is just bonkers enough to hide the true threat: that the world is succumbing to Cthulhu.

Javid did say the deaths were “relatively low”, after all. Many wondered, relative to what? Perhaps he meant relative to the number of deaths caused by cosmic horror. Cthulhu, coronavirus or climate chaos – no wonder Boris is praying to the wind.

The health secretary urged more of us to wear masks, “especially if you’re coming into contact with people you don’t normally meet”. At first it seemed like strange advice, given the virus can infect people around you whether you know them or not. But maybe it was a broader warning not to trust strangers. Demons in human skin suits walk among us. A facemask may stop possession. They say prevention is cheaper than the cure and exorcisms can be costly.

So why weren’t he and his colleagues wearing facemasks more often, asked one journalist. “That’s a very fair point and I’m sure a lot of people will have heard you,” replied Javid. Just a shame a lot of them don’t like to listen.

The call was backed by Labour’s Thangam Debbonaire at Westminster not long after. Waving her own hot pink mask, she told MPs: “One can have a very natty matching mask to go with one’s outfit.” It’s important to look one’s best at all times, after all, and perhaps her counterpart Jacob Rees-Mogg would like to “talk to his tailor” about getting a matching mask too.

Rees-Mogg seemed hesitant to do so and accused Labour members of only wearing masks “when there are television cameras around”. He gleefully announced that, at the recent Labour conference, “their faces are naked and unadorned”. Indeed, he almost seemed too gleeful…

He’s certainly the most Lovecraftian looking member of parliament. Perhaps the real reason he won’t wear a facemask is precisely because it’s a barrier to the demon possessing him from escaping.