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by Liam Kirkaldy
21 November 2014
Advice to Nicola

Advice to Nicola

Since Nicola Sturgeon took over as First Minister, there has been plenty advice from well-meaning commentators telling her how to move forward.

Much of the direction has focused on promoting equality, changing ideology or how best to encompass new party members.

This advice is well meaning but, due to its reliance on foolish human emotion, it is fundamentally flawed.

Fortunately there is a more scientific way, with the release of a new profiling device from YouGov, which provides demographic information about personalities and brands, allowing more effective advice for Sturgeon.

We hear Sturgeon wants to eat into Labour’s share of the vote for example. The profiling system makes that easy.

According to YouGov, the quintessential Labour Party supporter is apparently a cat owning, theatre going lefty working in the NHS and with a taste for vegetarian cholent, vegetable lasagna and saag paneer. 

Their favourite quote is listed as ‘basically Marx was right’ (bad news for Jim Murphy) while they describe themselves as ‘ethical’ but also ‘depressed’ and ‘diffident’.

This reveals just how misguided Sturgeon’s approach so far has been.

At conference for example, there was not a bowl of vegetarian cholent in sight. If Sturgeon wants to take Labour’s vote, she should have made her speech between spoonfuls of the stuff, while dropping casual references to Labour members’ favourite figures – John Lennon and Krishnan Guru Murphy.

In her speech Sturgeon promised never to enter into a coalition with the Conservatives. This was not a good move, since it is bound to lose her the Conservative vote.

What she should have said – if she wants tory support – is that her ideal night in would be a meal of veal escalope with a starter of oxtail soup, over stimulating discussion of DIY and motorsports, before settling down to watch Downton Abbey or TopGear.

Taking this advice, Sturgeon should have arrived at conference dressed in period costume on top of a home made formula one car.

The quintessential Lib Dem comment – in contrast to a Labour Party member’s support of Marxism – is ‘online shopping makes my life easier’. Why not boast of how you bought the Communist Manifesto off the internet to kill two birds with one stone?

In her speech she also attacked the politics of Ukip saying: “What we will need are strong SNPs MPs who will stand up to the Tories, challenge the despicable politics of Nigel Farage, and fight Scotland's corner.”

This indicates Sturgeon will lose whatever support she had from steak and kidney pudding and boxing loving pensioners, though she could win back the Ukip vote by mentioning her love of Dad’s Army, Jeremy Clarkson and Cliff Richard.

Weirdly, there is also a high correlation between those with right wing views and the 80s hit Crocodile Dundee II (not the original Crocodile Dundee, which attracts the centre-left).

Nicola: why not say you like both films and win over the whole spectrum? Even better, do it in an Australian accent.

Vote winning has never been so easy.

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Read the most recent article written by Liam Kirkaldy - Sketch: If the Queen won’t do it, it’ll just have to be Matt Hancock.

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