Rab McNeil
Beauty parade 26 October 2009  EVERYONE loves a by-election except, of course, the electorate. But who cares about them? The by-election in Glasgow North- East will be more interesting than most though, at the time of going to press, I am unable to substantiate that statement. What is certain is that the winner will be privileged to be among the shovers and makers who receive a copy of Holyrood magazine every fortnight. Some of them probably read it already and to those I say: ha-ha. As a service to readers, I intend here to highlight the candidates’ deficiencies and to spell out how they are otherwise unsuitable to sit in Parliament. Factual details in what follows have been filched from the BBC website. Well, I do pay my licence, you know. By some really weird coincidence, the candidates have all come out in alphabetical order, though I have in fact arranged them by degree of baldness. Charlie Baillie is standing for the British National Party, which has a habit of waving Union Flags, a practice universally popular north of the border. The BNP vehemently denies being racist, except towards people of other countries and cultures.The BBC website says of this Charlie: “Mr Baillie went to school and was brought up in Springburn.” Went to school, eh? Well, it’s a start. Labour’s William Bain used to be a lift engineer so he probably thinks he’s going somewhere. Of course, he could find himself like his fellows, helplessly stuck half-way between the floor of London above and Edinburgh below. However, the general consensus is that his party is going down. A hopeless idealist, Mr Bain claims he will “never claim lavish expenses and never milk the system”. Of course, they all say that now. Basement floor: pants, antique policies, crockery of shit. Eillen Baxendale is a Lib Dem and looks like one. You know, sort of nice and harmless. Liberal to a ridiculous degree, she is a former social worker by trade and now does loads of stuff about refugees, justice, racism and so forth. To be honest, she sounds like she’d be more use staying where she is. Ruth Davidson is the Tory candidate. When she was just in her twenties, she worked as a producer, presenter and reporter on BBC Radio Scotland, conclusive proof – as if any were, indeed – that the BBC are a bunch of ageist twats. She claims she joined the Tories after the expenses scandal. Aye, right. Were the other policies of no interest? She used to be in the Territorial Army, making her well dodgy, and her dad played for Partick Thistle. So she knows how losing feels. Green candidate David Doherty is only 24 and so, in my opinion, shouldn’t be allowed to vote, never mind stand. His interests include cycling, which means I have probably tried to run him over at some stage. For those of you concerned about this sort of thing, don’t worry: I’ll keep trying. David Kerr of the SNP is another former BBC journalist. Have these buggers nothing better to do? He says he has a “deep affection” for the area, which is like a normal person saying he has a deep affection for his haemorrhoids. He intends speaking out against gangs, from a distance of no less than three miles. Kevin McVey is standing for the Scottish Socialist Party. Is that the one that is pro or anti-sex clubs? I can never remember. Like a lot of working-class people, Kevin looks pretty hard. If elected – haw-haw! – he will take only the average skilled worker’s wage, though he doesn’t say which skill. Brain surgery? Mikey Hughes is an Independent, who once appeared in Big Brother which, my researchers say, is a television drama about a man who travels through time in a police box. Mikey is blind and says he wants to be “the next David Blunkett”. Wot, he wants to be charged by a rampaging cow in Derbyshire? Tommy Sheridan, of Solidarity (except with other Socialists), is a weel-kent coupon and much missed around Holyrood. Everyone thought he was incorruptible, but he is now studying law. He likes nothing better of a Sunday than to sit down with a bacon roll and read the News of the World for any inaccuracies. John Smeaton (Ind), now Lord Smeaton of Banjo, single-handedly saved Glasgow from destruction but is now training in fisheries management. You do the maths. He has also fronted a major city tourism campaign, using the slogan: “This is Glesga. We’ll set aboot ye.” Though of humble stock, he has met many world leaders, none of whom has had any idea who he is. John Swinburne is leader of the Scottish Senior Citizens Where Have I Put My Glasses Party. He is a former MSP, best remembered for being rather elderly. He was born in Pennsylvania but, by a cruel twist of fate, ended up in Motherwell. He is a lifelong fan of the local footer team, mysteriously known as Motherwell (motto: “We’re pish, by the way”). Would be welcome back in Parliament, if only to take away all the Werther’s Originals he left lying about the place. Bizarrely, one of these people will be taking up a seat in the national half-a-Parliament next month. We wish them well and look forward to giving them the traditional welcome: ha-ha. Related articles: Hello voters 25 June 2010 Off the menu 11 June 2010 Life but not as we know it 28 May 2010 Magnetic result 17 May 2010 Of local interest 26 April 2010 See all articles in this category Submit a comment |
|
||||||||||||
|
Holyrood Daily
Independent Budget Review announces findingsThe first indications of the drastic squeeze on public spending Scotland... Principal attacks “Luddite” claims about graduates A prominent university principal and soon-to-be convener of Universities... Scottish budget squeeze may last 16 years The Scottish Government’s Chief Economic Advisor has revised the p... Merging SNH and Deer Commission will combine expertise, says Minister The merger of the Deer Commission for Scotland (DCS) and Scottish Natura... First Minister’s Questions Labour Leader Iain Gray kicked off the last FMQs of the parliamentary ye... |
