As a fundamentally shy person, who dreads coming to the notice of the mob and who writes under the absurd pseudonym above (with its accompanying picture of an alien taken at Roswell, circa 1947), I feel for Scotia as the attention of the international — and even London — media has swivelled towards her.

The levels of ignorance have been comical, and watching London-based experts grapple with what to them is a new issue has provided hours of entertainment. Most simply take their lead from the Daily Mail, where the levels of racist abuse, particularly on its forums, have been truly shocking.

And yet all we hear is Lord Robertson of Nado (as he mispronounced Nato, the organisation he once headed) complaining about cybernats.

You never hear people like him complaining about the torrents of anti-Scottish racism currently pouring north and which are, indeed, freely available on Scottish newspaper websites too. Often, they’re provided by Scottish people. But that doesn’t surprise us any more. Wha’s like us?

Gey few, and they’re a’ bonkers.

To the foreign observer, Scotland must be bewildering. They’ll have no equivalent of our Craven Scotch. They must look at all the abuse in the English papers and wonder why the Scots don’t respond. You’d think someone would speak out. But not a peep. Everyone’s too terrified to mention the ‘E’ word, particularly the few Nats in the media, as they’ll fear being pounced on for ‘racism’ themselves by the unionists. What a country.

All the same, credit where it’s due, you have to hand it to quintessential Englishman David Cam...

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“Take a drink!” The admonition in BBC Scotland’s comedy show, Chewin’ The Fat, is one we’ve all heard. It means: “Join in and get squiffy with us. For if you do not, forsooth, you will make us feel bad and, yea, we would fain banish you from our company.” I’ve updated the language for modern sensibilities, but you get the message. There’s pressure on citizens to drink, particularly in dysfunctional Scotia, last colony of a dead empire. Possibly that’s why drink lies at the heart of Scottish Government policy. It has been ever thus. Devolution has more than anything else been about booze, fags and food. The flagship policies of every administration have focused on these three evils and while, at the time of going to press, citizens are still [...]

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Yeah, I know, poverty is all relative. Certainly, all my relatives are poor. But who else do we mean when we talk about the poor? The odious expression, “The poor are always with us”, begs — as it were — that very question. There’s the poverty of the western world, even with its variations (little in Scandinavia, enough in Scotland), and then there’s poverty in the Third World, where it’s all a little bit “them”, at least from the point of view of “us”. I should first, in this narrative or exegesis, deal with the notion of the happy, virtuous poor and the unhappy, complaining rich. Obviously, at some levels, there is something in this. I have rarely been abroad, being unable to master the different walking styles and remaining [...]